


I've lost you x15

by Absolutegarbagepile



Category: Black Mirror: Bandersnatch (2018)
Genre: Angst, Canon Typical Suicide, Colin's a dick sometimes but he means well, First Kiss, M/M, kinda sad ending but there's hope!, seriously the ending is hopeful I promise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-15
Updated: 2019-01-15
Packaged: 2019-10-10 10:44:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17424386
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Absolutegarbagepile/pseuds/Absolutegarbagepile
Summary: “It doesn't matter, because there are other timelines, Stefan. Just how many times have we met? Just how many times have you watched pac man die? Doesn't seem to bother him. Doesn't bother me, either.”





	I've lost you x15

**Author's Note:**

> this took me way too long than it should have for its length but i'm glad i actually finished something, lol. The title is from New Order's Age of Consent (where the lyric 'I've lost you' is repeated 15 times) but you can also take it to mean that this is Stefan's fifteenth time through, if you want. Or it can be later. Or earlier. It's supposed to be sort of open-ended!

_We're only making plans for Nigel_

Stefan didn't open his eyes right away, feeling the weight of the leather headrest behind his head and wondering if he just kept them closed the wouldn't have to deal with this anymore. 

He thought he'd been close that time, he really did. He'd tried to avoid drinking his tea, but Colin had pinned him with a knowing stare from behind his glasses and he'd ended up taking a few small sips. That had been enough. He wasn't sure being sober for the ordeal would really change anything in retrospect, anyway; every time he tried to go against the will of whoever was making his choices for him, he felt the way he had when he'd dove down too deep while swimming as a little kid and the pressure had made his ears pop and his head hurt, but increased by a hundred. He'd ended up jumping last time just to make it stop when it was clear that Colin was a lost cause. He wasn't ruling out trying that again, but not this time. 

_We only want what's best for him_

He stared out the car window as his father pulled into a parking spot on the curb of Saint Juniper's Medical Practice. He didn't even try to act surprised, getting out of the car and barely listening to his dad distantly saying that he's stressed, he's under pressure, he isn't eating, he needs to talk to Doctor Haynes, and, right on time, there was Colin, loping forwards on long legs and sparing a single glance backwards. Stefan followed him, leaving his dad calling his name from the sidewalk behind him. 

“Hi.”  
“Bandersnatch not going too well this time, I take it?”

Stefan was always struck by how much Colin seemed to remember compared to everyone else. Stefan had experienced enough flashes of vivid, crippling memories by this point to have a somewhat steady grasp on what he was certain he'd experienced before somewhere else, over and over again, and Colin was the only other one who ever seemed to feel the same way. 

“....You could say that.”

“Well, that's the hole for you. Come on.”

There was that decisive tone. Stefan thought it best to try and imitate everything as closely as he could up until they reached the balcony to limit any unknown variables and to save his willpower. If it didn't work this time, there was always the next, and the next, and the next. He'd keep trying forever if he had to. What else was there to do?

If he was sufficiently motivated and didn't give up, something had to give at some point, though. That's what he'd convinced himself of. He thought he'd go mad if he didn't hold on to a shred of hope. Colin was the crux of this, he knew; things never went well following what happened on the balcony. He heard the _thud_ of the crystalline ashtray hitting his dad, saw his eyes roll back as blood painted his glasses, covering his face as he crumpled backwards, strings cut like an old puppet. 

Colin was the only one who knew. He recognized Stefan now, referencing conversations they'd had before, in different timelines. Different lives. He was always casual about it, like he'd expected this all along. Stefan still didn't feel like he could wrap his head around it all, but Colin didn't ever seem like talking explicitly about what was happening, instead throwing in wry comments about whatever Stefan had done last time and sometimes pretending he didn't know more than he let on just to mess with him. There was quite a bit of _Thompson Twins_ related teasing, as well.

The greyscale apartment building eventually stood before them, and soon they were climbing the stairs in silence after Colin had proposed not taking the elevator. Stefan wondered if Colin was feeling different this time and prayed that he was. 

Colin pulled out his keys out of the door lock and swung the door open, and there was the apartment, the same as it had ever been; the light smell of smoke hanging in the air, the dusty sunlight streaming in through the windows and landing on various posters and pieces of art that Stefan doubted he'd be able to afford.

“Stefan, you know Kitty.” Colin said, tossing his keys onto the table next to the door and crossing the threshold of the room in long strides over to her, Stefan trailing behind. Kitty knit her brows as she handed the bundle in her arms over to Colin, no recognition in her eyes when they fell onto Stefan. 

“Does he?”

He didn't answer, staring down at the baby he held.

“And Pearl.”

“Your little legacy.” Stefan responded quietly. 

Colin's eyebrows rose but he said nothing, turning back to Kitty. “He's from work. He's in the hole.” A knowing glance upwards. 

“Ah. Poor thing. Are you going to get him out?”

“Going to try.”

••••

Stefan watched Colin pull the long spliff from his shirt pocket and light it with care from his position on the couch across from him, smoke curling around them.

Stefan accepted. Inhaled. Only coughed a little bit.

“You'll get the hang of that one of these times.”

“Maybe.”

Colin grabbed a small box from the table adjacent to him. Stefan watched him carefully dip two fingers in and attempted to steady himself.

•••

Tangerine Dream was playing, and Stefan was watching the _Power, Corruption & Lies_ poster bend and twist into pale floral swirls, Colin bouncing restlessly around the room behind him, rambling, his words becoming more and more emphatic. 

By the time he really got to talking, Stefan had noticed variances in what he said every time; the general gist was the same, though, and Colin still had a way of blowing his mind simply with his delivery even if he'd heard it all before. 

Stefan wondered if Colin just had to get it out even if he vaguely remembered telling him it all before. He didn't mind listening. He gazed up fuzzily from his position on the couch, tuning in to what Colin was saying again as he paced, glancing sharply out the window every few seconds. 

“He's Program and Control man. The whole thing's a metaphor; he thinks he's got free will, but really, he's trapped in a maze, in a system. All he can do is consume--”

“He's pursued by demons that are probably only in his own head,” Stefan added. Colin adjusted his glasses and nodded, eyes bright. 

“Yes, exactly, and even if he does manage to escape the maze by slipping out one side, what happens?”

“He comes right back in the other side.” Stefan finished. 

Colin walked closer to the couch, moving his hands ardently as he spoke.

“People think it's a happy game, it's not a happy game, it's a fucking nightmare world and the worst thing is we're living in it. How many times have you come through the other side of this maze again, Stefan? How many times have I told you that there's a set cosmic flowchart that dictates where we can and can't go?” His words were fervent, and he barely took a breath between words, eyes flicking over Stefan's face then to the window, the ceiling, and back to him again.

Stefan got shakily to his feet, moved to where Colin stood. He watched him take off his glasses, felt him grab his face. Stefan would be lying if he said he didn't anticipate this short, electric part of the night, even if horror always followed. 

“Too many to count.” He finally whispered. 

“Too many to count.” He repeated. “Do you hear the numbers now? Do you understand?” 

His eyes were bulging out of his head, and Stefan felt like he was the only anchor keeping him from floating away. 

“Yes.” He lifted a hand and tried to touch Colin's face, to prove that it was real. He wanted to hold him here, keep him from ever moving past this point again. 

“Good. Let me show you what I mean.”

The spell broke. 

“No, don't--” Stefan began, but Colin was already opening the sliding glass door and stepping out. The breeze blew through the room like an unspoken warning and he had no choice but to follow.

Stefan's mind was racing as Colin continued to speak, gesturing around them and staring at him with wide, beseeching eyes. He almost couldn't believe he was here again. Things always moved so fast after Colin sat down across from him and held out two fingers, and Stefan felt like he was scrambling to stay on top of this, to remember why he was here and how this night usually went, to reach past the fog.

“Stefan?” 

He blinked, Colin's face in sharp detail compared to the rest of the world around them. A faint siren wailed from somewhere down below.

“Do you believe me?”

“I….y-yeah, I do.”

Colin looked slightly surprised at this, like he'd been expecting a different response, and Stefan thought this might be a good sign. 

“Let me prove it. One of us is going over.”

Stefan's stomach jolted as it always did when he looked over the railing and felt the world rippling around him.

“You'd die. You always die.” He felt his panic beginning to overtake him.

“It doesn't matter, because there are other timelines, Stefan. Just how many times have we met? Just how many times have you watched pac man die? Doesn't seem to bother him. Doesn't bother me, either.”

“But it bothers me! Don't you understand that? I'm sick of this horrible timeline and all of the horrible ones that follow it. Why can't you help me? Why do you keep trying to convince me of something I already believe?” He was desperate, now, and considering just grabbing Colin and keeping him from asking the question that always set things into motion: one of us is jumping, so who's it going to be?

Colin faltered just barely, and Stefan reached out and gripped his upper arms, holding on as tightly as he dared, fingers digging into the rough fabric of the old denim shirt he wore half-buttoned. He wondered what would happen if he never let go. 

Stefan couldn't hear anything except for his own frantic breaths and the wind that cooled his sticky skin and sifted through the city rooftops. He waited for Colin to say something but he didn't, he just glanced down at Stefan's hands gripping him then slowly back up.

“You don't need to prove it.” Stefan said pleadingly, his shoulders shaking and his gut twisting at the disobedience, at the urge to follow the set cosmic flowchart and to allow himself to be controlled. 

Colin still wore the manic gleam in his eyes that Stefan revered, admiring the genius behind it but fearing the look he'd come to know portended chaos.

“Don't I, though? It's what's happened every time before.” His mouth twisted into a smirk and the slightly confused twitch of his eyebrows when Stefan had first grabbed him was gone. Stefan blinked, wishing he'd put more thought into planning what to say ahead.

“w-well, yeah, but why can't this be a better timeline where neither of us jump?”

A twitch. An intense, imploring stare. The one Colin got when his thoughts were moving quicker than he could express them.

“Don't you get it? _Nothing_ matters, _nothing_ can be better or worse, because reality isn't static... There's nothing you can do that's really in your control, even here." He gestured to the shadowed city that stretched around and below them.

"You should know that by now."

Stefan's thoughts flashed to his computer screen flickering, lines of code flashing and jarbling until the word _Netflix_ appeared. He didn't remember what it meant. 

The city still spanned around them, the traffic a dull roar miles below the balcony, the people behind those revving engines and petulant honks serving as nothing more than a backdrop for the breathless minutes between them on the balcony, always on the balcony, or meeting in the tuckersoft building, or standing in his bedroom, where Stefan thanked him for not killing him, or, when Colin chose (in as much as he had any choice) to kill him, staring at him; expression unreadable, handing him a trophy and bracing himself for the blow, so outwardly accepting in the face of death. Moments that felt like they happened in slow motion but were still over quicker than Stefan could handle, always leaving him scrabbling for purchase on an endless treadmill.

Stefan's mouth twisted as he chewed the inside of his cheek and wondered if he was really about to do what he thought he might, what he hoped he could. He knew he'd been building up to it for longer than he'd realized it himself, though, his hands shaking as he resisted the urge to bite his nails, or drown his computer in tea to destroy his endless hours of work on bandersnatch, his mind swimming with the ceaseless déjà vu that comprised every aching moment he'd spent after his dad held up two different boxes of cereal. 

Even before that, though, he'd been plagued by choice, haunted by imagining how things would be different if he'd gone with his mother that day or if she'd stayed behind a million times over. It never mattered. 

Stefan had resigned himself to feeling stuck in his reality, the constant painful throb of choice coursing through his veins, but Colin had changed all of that; he'd opened Stefan's mind in ways previously unimagined, he'd showed him that going back was possible, so long as he avoided the dead ends. Colin had been the one thing that felt constant no matter what.  
“I've given you the knowledge,” he had said, “I've set you free.” 

Stefan held onto him like a lifeline, the multicolor lights through the window swirling seamlessly as the world shifted around him. He felt his pulse fluttering like a caged bird, thrumming like an endless code that only gave the player the illusion of choice, his own breathless, disbelieving laughter from the first time Colin had told him one of them was going over ringing through his mind.

 _Not this time,_ he thought, and gripped the fabric of Colin's collar, pulling him closer. He didn't need anything more than for Colin to stay here, shirt fabric wrinkling in his tight grip and eyebrows arched. Stefan felt the hot puff of his breath on his face. They were only a few inches apart now, and Colin's face was a blur this close. He had to hunch his shoulders and slightly bend down to be face level with Stefan. He didn't move away, though, instead mumbling “What’s going on in your head, Stefan?” through nearly closed lips.

Stefan didn't trust himself to respond, and he didn't think he would have an answer even if he did. He gathered his courage, brain full of flashes of every time he'd watched Colin jump, every time he'd jumped himself and watched the world lurch around him in a kaleidoscope of lights before everything went black with a sickening crunch. 

Stefan searched Colin's face for any sort of sign, and he saw it when he leaned lower and tilted his blonde head slightly to the left, almost imperceptible movements that felt large enough to shift continents this close. Stefan's breath left him and he closed the distance, and this felt like the rapture, this felt like it had to mean _something_ , Colin had to be wrong, it had to _matter._

He felt like he was floating, his whole body overwhelmed from the adrenaline flooding his system. Colin's lips were a firm, steady pressure against Stefan's own, and a few short seconds felt like they passed in slow motion. Colin's hands moved to position behind his head, mussing his hair and pulling his body closer, holding him up as the struggle not to obey made Stefan's body shake.

Just as Stefan's mind was really starting to swim and he may have made a noise or two that made his cheeks flush, Colin pulled back, characteristic smirk wiped from his face in favor of something softer, something that looked an awful lot like regret. His hand skated gently down Stefan's cheek ever so lightly then he was stepping away, unfolding his shoulders back to his full height. 

Stefan didn't want to let go of his shirt, fearing the look in his eyes almost as much as he feared the sparking light that sprung up every time he clambered into a straddling position on the balcony wall, “Fair enough,” tumbling from his lips. 

“I'm quite enjoying this lifetime,” Colin said, edging slowly, so slowly, towards the railing and sparing a glance through the window and to the closed room door, Kitty and their child behind it, blissfully unaware, “but I can't stay.”

Pressure was roaring in Stefan's ears, now, and he could barely hear him. He was frozen where he stood, already knowing that his efforts were futile. 

“See you around.” Colin said softly, his eyes wide and inscrutable. He launched himself off the balcony. Stefan heard the splat seconds later. He was stumbling back inside. Kitty was screaming. The grotesque figure of Pax he'd almost become used to seeing beckoned. The lights spun. The world faded to black. 

•••

_We're only making plans for Nigel_

Stefan opened his eyes. This again.

“We’re here.” His father said.

Stefan opened the car door, stepping out and steeling himself for the rest of what he knew came before he was back on that balcony again.

“Wrong path, mate.” Colin’s voice said inside his head. He ignored it. He'd keep trying -- he had to keep trying -- his control was getting stronger, wasn't it?

He thought of the softness in Colin's eyes, the regret as he slowly moved away, back to the edge.

It wasn't a dead end.

**Author's Note:**

> i never end up posting most of the stuff i write but i wanted to post this one so !! let me know if yall have constructive criticism or like it etc etc


End file.
